Not Being Okay is Okay

For those of you who have read my anxiety blog post you know about my history with mental illness. Just after I put that post into the universe similar feelings started to creep back in. I wasn't anxious but there was a period of about a month where everything seemed a bit, meh.

I have always loved getting back into Uni and finding my organisational feet again. I love a good hard schedule and list of upcoming assessment. However, as this semester seemed a little less chaotic I was left with free time. It turns out I am not someone that likes it, my mind is a too hyperactive and I love achieving. As a result I went into a huge down spiral.

I really started to see the world in a negative way. Everything people were talking to me about, career or otherwise, I aligned with not being able to make it as a journalist. Being my last year at QUT I felt the pressure to plan my future and also enjoy the present. The thing is I didn't know why everything was getting to me, it just was. It's funny how the mind works.

It got to the point where I really couldn't see myself getting out of this negative frame of mind. That's when I booked myself a counselling session.

In high school my saving grace was Mr Gordon, the guidance counsellor. He really kept me sane throughout my senior years and I figured someone at Uni might be able to do the same.

The hardest part about feeling so down is that no one else gets it. You can't talk to people about how life feels like it's strangling you or your worries about what will happen in the future. Whenever I tried to bring this up with anyone I was told not to worry about what I couldn't control and take some time to relax. I didn't need to relax, I needed someone to say they understood. Feeling alone is most definitely the worst part.

Unfortunately the Uni counsellors were super booked up so I couldn't get it for a couple of weeks. Strangely, this is when it all started to turn around.

I auditioned to become a newsreader for QUT News, a role I have wanted since I first knew of its existence in 2015. I mean, my TV presenting future relies on this Uni experience. There was about 26ish people going for 12 roles. I really didn't think I had a chance in hell. Sitting in front of that camera and reading directly from that autocue reset my whole focus for this year. In that moment, regardless of whether I got the role or not, I was happy. I'm talking a big cheesy smile from ear to ear and not something I had experienced in quite a while.

To my delight I got the role which still hasn't completely sunk in. It was the biggest pinch me moment throughout Uni so far and I am so excited to sit in that chair. It was the push I needed to feel like I could do this job and be a part of the industry. It was the motivation to keep doing better and pushing myself to get where I want to go.

That same day I also got matched with a career mentor which made the whole thing much sweeter. I had been waiting for a match for a few weeks and wanted to get on a personal level with some journalism professional. Having now met my mentor I can say this is going to be another great experience.

As I turned up for my counselling session on Tuesday I felt like a bit of a fraud. I no longer needed to talk to someone about my problems or why I didn't think I was going to make it in my chosen field. I pushed myself to sit an office and learnt that it really is okay to have some down days. It's normal to feel all these things and you shouldn't put pressure on yourself to feel happy. Accepting that I'm not always the outgoing, bubbly and often very funny girl I want to be is actually totally fine.

#ashleighdwan #beyondthestory #journalism #mentalillness