Yeah, I have ANXIETY

Many of you probably don't know my battle with mental illness but it's something I want to be quite upfront and honest about. There really shouldn't be such bag stigma around these issues!

I've opened up about my anxiety once before. It was for my final English assignment in Grade 12. Finally talking about it helped but I do think it's time to share it on my blog and give you all a little more insight into what makes me, me.

If you had have met me 14 years ago you would have been talking to a shy, frail little girl.

I was terrified of shopping centres after my sister went missing in one. Seeing my Mums face as she realised Jacinta was missing is not something you can easily forget. It was that moment that changed my life, rather dramatic, but sadly very true.

Unfortunately the anxiety didn't stop at the shops and started to dictate all aspects of my life. This didn’t just happen over a couple of weeks or months I was dealing with it for years.

The worst part was feeling myself lose control. It's so hard to be in a position where you don't know how to help yourself.

It got pretty bad and my parents decided I had to see someone about it. It was then up to Clinical Psychologist Dr. Robi Sonderegger to work his magic and try and put me on the right track.

It is actually really hard to sum up what I was feeling and being so young meant that I didn’t even know what was happening to me. It was complete and utter isolation. I thought I had this weird condition that only I knew about and had fallen victim to. It was a very different world when I was going through this and as far as I knew I was the only only dealing with it.

I can remember crying to Mum after many of my episodes asking why I couldn’t be normal. I just wanted to be like everyone else. Dr. Robi described anxiety as being a dripping tap, one that only I could turn off.

Without meeting him I doubt I would have become the same confident person I am today. In fact I don’t think I have ever thanked my parents for booking that first session but through their initiative to find some sort of solution began the long process of getting me on track.

There is a hell of a lot of stuff that has happened from then to now. I joined a netball team, decided I wanted to become school captain in primary school, was then school captain in high school and decided to go to a university 2 hours away, doing a degree no one else was doing. These experiences have taught be so much about my own self-confidence and really helped in the process of over-ruling my anxiety.

At this point I can say I no longer suffer from what was the most traumatic and isolating experience that I have ever had to undergo. Don't get me wrong though, mental illness is not something that will ever completely leave a person and there are definitely times where I have to remember to breathe and pull myself together.

My anxiety has dramatically shaped the person I am today. This life changing experience taught me a lot about myself and in an odd way I am strangely grateful. I am now stronger than ever and know that I really can overcome anything I set my mind too.

For anyone that is silently suffering from any kind of mental related illness please do not feel ashamed or embarrassed to admit you aren't perfect. It is totally normal to have bad days or even bad weeks. These things are set to try us but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I am living proof that you don't have to live your life in the shadows.

#ashleighdwan #beyondthestory #journalism #anixety #mentalillness